There were a lot of ‘what ifs’ to conquer at the end of 2022. It was not an easy decision to keep moving forward without our trainer since he passed away.
A part of me wants to believe he’s still out there, somewhere, living his best life training horses. That would be preferable. I could handle it if he didn’t want to spend his time, effort, and energy training us. Grieving is hard and this is the first time I’ve allowed myself to sit with the grief instead of shoving it in the closet with the rest of the skeletons.
I considered selling Howdy in 2022 because every time I looked at Howdy, the memories of Peter would pester me to tears. Losing Peter was probably one of several friends I’ve been grieving and it never gets easier. Why doesn’t it get easier with practice if practice makes perfect?
The end of 2022 was a commitment to lean into the vulnerability of making mistakes. It was different with Peter around. I could always call him to ask what I’ve been doing wrong. His guidance with my homework assignments of learning how to be a responsible equestrian was always just a call away.
Peter said I would eventually surpass him. I didn’t want to. The idea of my mentor never being around was terrifying and depressing. When he passed away, I didn’t have a choice. I had to keep going or give up.
After imagining life without Howdy, it was gut-wrenching to imagine him feeling like his person, his leader in training, his cohort in life and learning gave up. If I were in his place, I already know what that sense of abandonment feels like. I was feeling it with Peter’s death and that was not an option.
We’re moving forward with our endeavors together and doing the best we can with what we have together. If anything, we have love in our family and our mission is to continue learning and growing together.
Equinefulness.horse 