Be very cautious about chasing a relationship filled with red flags to avoid loneliness. Is it difficult to feel lonely? Yes, it absolutely is. At the same time, the peace we experience in solitude should never feel better than the partnership we’re in.
Introversion is an important part of us to listen to because it’s where we recharge and where we feel at peace. If the partnership, or any relationship, does not feel as satisfying with stomach issues, chest pain, and headaches–that is something to listen to.
No relationship, no social acceptance in ANY community is worth peace without moral injury. Be very careful about sacrificing your identity for acceptance.
There’s a difference between not giving up when we know we’re loved (shown in action) and giving up because there’s a value misalignment. Value misalignments, even when we’re of the same faith, can and do happen. Personal values can differ from our faith-based values, our work values, and our personal professional values.
The key is in finding the intersects. Where those values intersect, does it resonate enough to be worth putting effort into it? If not, something has to change and it’s easier to change ourselves because we cannot change other people. We do not have control over that.
The change that needs to happen should never be at the cost of our authentic selves. If we cannot be who we are, if we have to pretend to be someone else in any relationship in any community–that is not worth the suffering of trying to stick it through.
It’s okay. This is hard. At the same time, I have faith you have the bravery to figure it out. This is your journey. Make it a good one.
“Friendship is a sheltering tree;”
Samuel-Taylor Coleridge
As we age, some of us mature to the point of realizing how inauthentic people can be harmful to our souls. They can shout what they say they believe from the rooftops and through bullhorns, at the end of the day, their actions speak volumes over their words.
Authentic friendships will never judge you harshly for making a choice to break free from a toxic and harmful relationship. You chose what you chose after years of ‘trying to do the right thing.’
For a moment, park the sanctimonious reverence of marriage. Try to put the worship of that ideal to the side. Let’s look at this from the perspective of safety and security. What is your top motivation?
If safety and security are your primary motivation, does it serve that basic need to ignore unsafe, untrustworthy, and inauthentic people?
It is my opinion we would desire our children to do better and be better than we are. What pathway of relationship choices can we make for our children to emulate?
The best way for our children to learn from us is through the experience of the imagery we provide with good relationships, good friendships, and great work-life balance.
Once they leave the nest, it is no longer our job and our role to tell them how to live. If they ask for advice, that’s different. They have to learn the lessons that are a part of their journey. That’s hard when we want what we want with our opinions and beliefs.
Now that they’ve spread their wings, it’s time for them to fly on their own while we can be there to support them in healthy ways and without any agenda that strips them of their identities and free will.
Having compassion does not look like that snarky image certain personalities paint when they’re admonishing a compassionate person for caring about their fellow humans. Those critics will frame their ad hominem views in all-or-nothing thinking that catastrophizes life when people do not fall in line with their opinions.
Compassion is more nuanced and it is complex. We must have boundaries. Boundaries are critical for true humanitarian goals. Watch the folks that react strongly against healthy (key word) boundaries and that will tell you a lot about their character and where they stand with their loyalties.
Loyalty has its limits. It is not a one-way street. Furthermore, it is never weaponized by authentic friends and people who genuinely desire the best in life for us.
I used to think I was a compassionate person. I wasn’t. I was a doormat and an echoist who was shifting her identity to fit in. I sold my identity for acceptance and approval and I paid the price for doing that.
True compassion begins with changing ourselves. It’s doing the grueling work in the arena to lead ourselves into our authentic lives. This is what horses taught me.
“To change your horse, change yourself.”
Warwick Schiller
Take care of you and never, ever, let anyone steal your agency and your right to your identity. You’re stronger than that.
It is a cautionary tale to wait for another 10 years to learn this. It’s far better to learn this now than later. Although, later is better than never.
Equinefulness.horse 